The Perfect Ironic Birthday
by Deadwr3n
Summary: It's Jakes birthday and Dirk has the perfect surprise planned, but little do either of them know, it's going to get pretty awkward before the night's even started. My first proper fanfic, it's DirkJake Enjoy :3
1. The Perfect Ironic Birthday

Jake sat alone in the car, Dirk had been gone awhile, he began to wonder where his bro had wandered off to, and on his birthday no less. Dirk had been gone for close to half an hour, leaving jake in the car. He was sure he was being as slow as he could be just to irritate him 'ironically'. Still, he sat there patiently, waiting for the guy he liked to come back to him. Secretly he hoped that Dirk came back with a bunch of roses, but he knew the chances of THAT happening were close to none. In fact, Jake was certain that Dirk liked Roxy their Boozy friend. She had certainly been flirting with him enough when he was around. It saddened him, but it made Dirk smile, inside, maybe, who could really tell with Dirk? With the shades and the blank face hiding all emotion he could be feeling anything without anyone realising. Jake didn't even know his eye colour.

Jake decided to turn on the radio, this being Dirks car, the moment he turned it on, he was blasted by 'ironically' bad rap. Seriously, if someone vomited on a microphone it would sound better than that, but, thinks Jake to himself, that's kinda the point. He changed the station over to some popular show where the DJ talked about something that was so brainless that Jake was sure no one could possibly care about.

Jake leaned back in his seat, resting his head on the rest behind him, he hoped that Dirk would be back soon. He had so many better things to be doing on his birthday.

* * *

Dirk was stood behind an old guy in the supermarket, clutching a bouquet of flowers and a CD of some band that Jake liked. He had been behind the guy for about fifteen minutes and the cashier looked about ready to kill himself. Dirk was about ready to kill the guy when a woman called him over, he sighed with relief and put the items on the counter. It was probably the first non ironic purchase he had made in months, it was his way of showing how much he cared for Jake, he would even drop the ironic stuff for him.

He silently prayed that jake had been patient and that he had waited for him. Dirk had a plan to get Jakes affections, and it would all play out tonight. But he would have to be subtle, Jake could** not** see the flowers. Not yet at least.

He paid the guy behind the counter some money with smuppets doodled on them and walked out of the supermarket. He hoped Jake was still in the car.

* * *

On the plus side: Jake was still in the car, on the down side: Jake was currently pleasuring himself. Dirk had, after all been gone for a while, and with no sign of him after all this time, Jake had gotten so bored that he didn't care anymore.

In a few seconds, he would wish that he had at least hidden it inside his shorts...

Dirk opened up the door to see Jake with his hand wrapped around a hard (not so) lil' Jake. Had Dirk not been in full control of the emotions he displayed he would have either been grinning from ear to ear at the sight he was witnessing or rolling about on the pavement laughing at the sound of Jake's **completely manly** squeal. Jake quickly slid himself back into his pants and sat there blushing while making a concerted effort not to look at the blond boy staring at him from just outside the car.

Jake had no idea how Dirk was feeling at that moment, probably just judging him behind the pointy anime shades. Either way, he was sure his life was over. The guy he had a crush on had just caught him Jerking' it. This was not good however he looked at it. What he didn't know was that this was probably the happiest moment of Dirks life so far.


	2. The Perfect Ironic Cup of Coffee (pt 1)

Sorry this took so long guys, I've been all distracted with revision and drama, and my laptop deleting the chapter TWICE hasn't helped...

Anywho, onto the fanfic! :D

* * *

Jake wasn't sure how long the car ride to the coffee shop took, but it felt like forever to him, , somewhere through the journey, Dirk had put in a CD, it had taken him a moment to realise that rather than his usual ironic rap, Dirk was playing something good, something cheerful, it was right on the tip of his tongue...! Oh what was it? Wait. Thought Jake to himself, don't you have more pressing things to worry about. Yes, thought a voice in his head, like the bulge currently **pressing** against your shorts, he suddenly realised that even his own brain, usually filled with thoughts of adventures was mocking him. Why had Dirk got his head in such a spin, Jake was, after all, pretty sure that Dirk liked Roxy.

Jake was still blushing. It had been five minutes.

* * *

Dirk was paying way too little attention to driving, instead, he was just thinking about Jake and why he was masterbating in his car. Dirk was certain that he had just been driven to it by boredom, Dirk had, after all, been quite a long time inside the supermarket. Still, a small voice in Dirk's head allowed him to hope, just a little, that he had been the reason that Jake was doing it.

A small smile spread across his face, he could see the coffee shop, frequently used by guys to ask out girls, they even had a coffee that came with a little biscuit saying 'go out with me' or 'be my valentine' or whatever. Dirk was going to be once again dropping the irony. It would be the second time that day, and Dirk was weirdly okay with it.

* * *

Jake saw the sign of the coffee house before the car even pulled up to it. So **this **was where Dirk was taking him. He wondered if Dirk knew the point of this particular coffee house. But he supposed Karkats koffee was famous for its services as matchmaker. So if anyone knew about it, Dirk did. The large cancer symbol made into an entrance had been a crossing point with many a relationship, from friends to something more. And DIRK was taking him there.

Jake could die a happy man at that moment.

* * *

Okay, thought Dirk, he hasn't completely freaked out at the sight of the sign, so it must be a good sign, right? Dirks hands were shaking as he pushed the door of the 'koffee' house open, he tied to hide it, but was aware that he failed miserably, he looked over at Jake who was blushing almost as much as he had been only a few minutes before when he had caught him... a smile slid across Dirks face.

As he walked up to the counter he calmly looked into Karkats eyes and smiled (the secret method for asking for an asking out biscuit to be given to your coffee, sorry, koffee, companion) before asking for a latte for himself and a cappuccino for Jake.

Internally, he prayed that this would all go well.

* * *

There you go guys, chapter 2 of the fic :3 I'm happy with it, and i hope you all are :) Leave your reviews and your love below, message me if you want, all suggestions welcome :3 (also, i may have an M rated side chapter later, thoughts?)


	3. An Apology

sorry that there's not been a new chapter for a while, GCSE's are being a bitch and i'm just studying all the time now. What i'm saying with this is that there will be a new chapter eventually, i'm just not sure when. Sorry guys, see you soon :)


	4. The Perfect Ironic Cup of Coffee (pt 2)

sorry it's been so long guys, gcse's took a lot out of me and to top it off I got writer's block, which i helped by writing a few bits that i might post later but meh. Anywho, enjoy the third part of the fic :)

* * *

As they walked into the main cafe area, Jake noticed that there were several normal looking tables, and twelve tables each bearing a 'made by' plaque. Without even thinking, Jake knew which one they were going to. It was a table shaped like a giant spider with large red velvet sofas indented with what looked like precious gemstones. Dirk was after all a chap with an incredibly subtle taste in his furniture.

They both sat down on opposite sides of the table and Jake had to sit up perfectly straight to see Dirk, ah practical as well as modest, I think i shall buy several to distribute around my apartment, such is the consideration of quality with this table.

Although the cafe shop was quite far from the city center, every one of the dozens of tables was full. It would probably be a while before their coffee arrived. Jake realized that had they wanted a normal table they probably would have had quite the wait.

* * *

Dirk was nervous, he had hoped that returning to his normal Ironic way of acting would return his feelings to his usual internal blank slate. This failed terribly. Instead, he was embarrassed for his terrible choice of able that was so high that he could see Jake was having to crane his neck to see him. And Jake was normal height!

Dirk got the feeling that in his general mood he would get along with whomever created such a masterpiece, today however... Dirk really needed that coffee to come soon,

* * *

Jake was no longer nervous, instead an almost Dirk like cool had swept over him. Since the coffee was gonna be a while, now was the time to have a little fun with Dirk. Having long been the subject of light hearted banter from Dirk, now was the chance for some revenge!

"So... Strider, I seem to remember this cafe being very famous for something, but for the life of me I am unable to remember what it is, would you care to remind me?"

* * *

Dirk's heart stopped for a moment, he looked over to see Jake obviously attempting to feign a smile. So he was attempting to embarrass him, eh? well two can play that game, and one of us have had more experience at this. Dirk smiled internally.

"Oh, didn't you know? this is a place where a dominatrix will lure their submissive in order to establish some ground rules." Still got it Strider.

Dirk didn't even have to look at Jake to know what he would see, but he did so anyway.

Jake had gone even Redder than one of the Roses from one of the ornate hanging baskets that lined the rooms walls. These being classic, cheesy, predictable red roses. Check.

* * *

Jake was genuinely surprised, he wondered for a split second if Strider was really into... such things. Before he realized that this would just be Dirk's way of continuing the game. Well, might as well roll with the punches English.

"Oh really..." he said in his most seductive voice. "Well in that case you would be the Dominant one in this scenario? If so... I would most certainly be interested in such an arrangement"

Jake's lips curled into an innocent looking smile at the sight of Dirk going ever so slightly red. Check to you now Strider.

* * *

Wait, what? Thought Strider, as he could feel himself blushing a little, he hoped that English wouldn't notice, but at any rate he had to come up with a response. And at this point he wasn't so sure weather or not Jake was just continuing his game.

'I mean sure I wouldn't exactly mind it' thought Dirk to himself 'I mean I do like the guy after all and if that's what he's into then that's what he's into... It would certainly explain that oh-so-innocent smile on his face...'

"Oh reeeeally, well I will have to go shopping for... supplies" replied Dirk

"Oooh, I'd love to come on this particular expedition" Replied Jake

"YOU FUCKASSES ARE INTO SOME WEIRD SHIT HERE HAVE YOUR MESSED UP COFFEE!" imposed Karkat

And with that Karkat angrily slammed two coffee's down on the table.

* * *

Jake blushed when he saw the upturned biscuit sitting next to his coffee. He didn't even need to flip it over to see what it was. It was Dirk, confessing to him. Jake felt like he was in one of the romance mangas that he had occasionally stolen off of Dirk. He didn't get them, but if Dirk loved them then he would at least try. The only exception being my little pony. He at least had more pride than to read that.

Removing the irrelevant thoughts from his head, Jake cautiously turned the biscuit over to reveal a simple message.

"OI FUCKASS

THIS IS A LOVE CONFESSION

I WANT YOU TO BECOME LITERAL FUCKASS ;)

FROM

THE POINTY SHADES ASSHOLE"

Jake wondered how Karkat managed to fit the whole message onto a biscuit but then realized that it was fourth wall breaking so he decided to stop.

Jake looked up at Dirk for a moment before looking away embarrassed. Jeez he sure had been blushing a lot.

Jake made his move, he leapt over the table, landing on Dirks lap, before kissing him awkwardly, his hands were shaking and he was sweating all over despite the cool air that his shorts provided. And Jake was pretty sure his shorts were getting tighter again as he kissed Dirk

* * *

Dirk was surprised. Whatever Karkat had written had really done the trick. He made a mental note to use it for all asking outs in the future. Not that he would need it. He had given up irony enough for Jake alone.

After drinking their coffee and some more abuse courtesy of Karkat, the two left, hoping never to need to visit the place with the strange shouting man again...


End file.
